Blessedleria’s Weblog

so remember the dude who came to the crib, well he approached another girl at the church. the same girl i was talking to that night when he came over. see, i hadnt told her who it was. but after her experience with him, she guessed who came to my house. she said to me that he asked her to ride with him to the atm, and she trusted him cause she’d hung with him before but with friends. there is an atm less that 2 minutes from where they were  at. a house party at lc’s.

why did they end up down town, and all along the southside and carson? he talking the same mess to her. about his wife. same as he did to me. about how she doesnt like to be clean and how she is ticklish so he cant give her(his wife) massages. not only that, she says he asked her if she wanted a drink. him asking her if she wanted to come to his place to watch movies and how no one had to know if she meet him at a certain place. just saying all kinds of things.

well she felt really uncomfortable and ended up speaking up to her Spiritual parents, who called and confronted him, they also spoke to the youth pastor and to a friend of dudes trying to figure out if he knew anything. well guess what, everyone is now blaming her, it seems. there was a big confrontation at church on sunday. and today when she went, she said no one would really talk to her, that it seemed like if they were whispering about her and stuff.

I am getting so mad, i want to walk up to him and tell him off cause he knows he was wrong. i really believe her. i really believe he went a step further with her than with me. see there was a door between me and him and as scared as i was, i was safe. she was in the car with him, he was talking crazy to her. and now everyone is telling her that she should not have put herself in that situation, but no one is saying that he was wrong. in fact, they are still talking to him! and excluding her and making her feel like the culprit, when she should  protected because she is the victim.

I’m gonna let GOD handle this, because i know he alone knows the truth in all situations concerning this. Feeling comforted by the Holy Spirit because i know that when everyone forsakes you, GOD will not.

why do you hate me?

is it my hair, rearrange it,

 is it my eyes, i can change it.

what do you want from me?

my heart, have it

my soul, take it

why don’t you love me?

something in me, i’ll delete

my personality, i’ll release

how can you not want me?

is it my thighs, to thick

does my voice make u sick?

so you really don’t love me?

i understand, i get it

i’m too much, you cant handle it

You know its your loss right?

you know that you had a chance

to get on board with this romance

You do know that i’m through?

you hurt me bad, i’m done with you

and one of these days, you’ll miss me too

But because i let go of you

here came my real boo

and his love for me is real and true

now its time for you

to ask yourself lots of questions

like

why did I let her get away?

How dumb was I?

why didn’t i see who she really was?

how she complemented my style?

why did I let this happen?

why am I all alone?

why do i feel like someone took my queen of her throne?

where is she now?

and who is she with?

and i wonder if about me she did forget?

And while you are wondering why

and missing me,

I Am Happy.

ok, i was on the phone with a church friend. we were talking about lots of things and i was telling her about how much i wanted to be hugged and that “humans need touch and contact” to survive, so i asked GOD for my, MY husband. MINE. i also told her that i have a problem with answering my phone. I always answer it, even when i know that i shouldnt. so we talked and talked and talked and then hung up.

so i got up and ready for bed and while i was literally on the way to bed, i got this phone call. so i’m like, ok, why is he calling me at this hour? anyways, guess what? i answered! like a ……ok, so the person i thought it was i shouldnt have answered that either, but the person on the line was his friend, and he was using the dudes phone. he was like, i was looking through the phone and saw ur number and called you to harrass you. i was like whatever, i’ll punch you through the phone. and he said that he was on his way to the crib. i didnt believe him but i prayed “GOD dont let that man come up here”

ANYways, let me give you a background on this dude. HE’s MARRIED!!!!!!!!! married with a child. he goes to church. him and his wife is seperated right now, they going through some stuff or whatever. he’s okay looking, but his wife and i are really cool, so i can never look at him like anything other than my bro and my friends husband.

Dude showed up at the crib. seriously, after midnight. showed up at my crib. i was staring out my window in the dark, saying to myself, this dude really came to my house? like in shock.  Someone (GOD) told me not to answer the door. he rang the doorbell and i didnt answer, he knocked on the door for like 3 minutes and i didnt answer. he went down the stairs and i thought he was leaving, but no, he was blowing his car horn!! after midnight!! in front of my crib. Married men only go to single girls houses after midnight for one or two things. I dont have anything to give!

so i went down the stairs saying ” NIGGA, u really came to the crib!” he was like i told u i was coming. (this conversation is happening through the door.) he said, u got all that chat on the phone, lets fight. and i refused to open the door. FOR AN HOUR.  a bit more actually. we talked through the door for an hour cause i refused to let him in. i kept talking to him about his wife and their marraige and their son and everyting. i told him i see him as ______’s husband.  and ______’s father and that i did not trust the situation.  that it was a recipe for disaster and that if anyone found out, it would not be a good look. he was like, not even dude whose phone he used knew he was at my crib cause he deleted the call. i’m like, if people can’t know then there is something wrong with the situation. (i’m praying that he doesnt say anything cause its a really bad look all around and i told him that) He kept saying that it wasnt like that, and that we were buddies and how he was my bro, basically trying to get me to trust him. Then i told him, that I’d set a new standard after walker (remember him?) and when I got saved, not to let men into my apartment anymore. the situations that arise from that are to risky.

he kept saying that i can trust him, he wasnt thinkin about that and all kinds of other excuses, that he was catchin pnuemonia and all kinds of stuff. he was like, let me sit on the stairs,  then he was like, he couldnt drive home cause he was on percocet (he’s injured his arm) and couldnt drive and if i could let him crash on the couch. i just kept talking to him about him needing to fix his marriage and he kept giving me excuses why their relationship wasnt gonna work and i just kept telling him that GOD can fix it. and that he just has to want it to work and trust GOD.  and he was like he know but she didnt want their relationship and all kinds of stuff. so anyways, he kept trying to convince me to trust him, let him in, we’re just friends (buddies is his word) and that he’s not thinking anything sexual. i just was not having that, i refused to open the door.

anyways, i was tired, it was after one or so, almost 130 and i said i’m going to sleep that i had to work and stuff and he was like lets go for a drive. NIGGA!!!! NO!!!! he said to downtown and back so we can talk, i said no, that it was past my bed time. and that i was tired and that i wasnt going anywhere with him. the convo ended with him sayin that he was gonna pick me up the next day when i get out of class. Um NO!! and then i went to bed, no i told him call me when he got to whereever he was sleeping cause he was on the percocet, just to be safe. he left saying that he would pick me at 9 tomorrow night and i didnt respond.  i just went to bed.

while i’m in bed,  he calls to tell me he’s back by his friends job. and then asked me if i was mad. I said no, just tired and needed to sleep. Then I prayed, GOD i dont know what that was. but i was glad that i didnt open the door.

My head was spinning, like i kept the convo on his wife and their marraige. but the whole time i was thinking, he’s gonna rape me. i was terrified. i did not trust him. i know him but i had that vibe it was really strong, it kept playing over and over, dont open the door and dont go out. i just felt like he would over power me and harm me. and like it kept playing in my head: you know better, u just got through people thinking  i was too friendly with their husbands, u dont need the drama that will arise from this situation. I’m not trusting him. i cant trust people right now.

i need to know who to talk to about this cause i have a feeling that this might come back around and bite me on the butt. and just like the movie no one would believe the truth. no one would believe that i didnt want anythin to happen.

No. No. Please don’t leave me.
I know you’re tired of me, of this.
But please, not yet.
Give me a chance, let me explain, the way I am. And why.

You see, what had happened was…..
There was a time when….

No! Wait. Please don’t go yet.
It sounds like excuses, but in actuality, its truth.

Someone hurt me…..and kept hurting me….
And I got used to it….got used to abuse….and even expected it.
The actions and words soon became synonymous with love.
And if it wasn’t there, I couldn’t recognize the emotion.

Hold up, please listen.
I know you don’t want to hear this.
Its hard to accept, but please, believe me.
Don’t leave just yet.
Just listen.

Pain and tears became my daily bread and life without them became abnormal.
But its what I got used to and soon came to relish.
It’s the only love I understand.
And now, I can’t imagine love without pain.
Now, the word care has to come after my tears.

How do you expect me to not be confused?
After all, its what I know, its what I’m used to.

Don’t you understand, thats why i try to push you to the edge?
Why I hit, cry and scream and hope you show me that you love me?
The way I see love to be?

How else will I know?
How can I know you love me, when you always treat me well?
How can you not realize, that to me, love hurts and care causes tears?

Yes, I have you confused with the others.
And I do apologize.
Can you see now, can you start to understand?
Thats what I know love is.

But your love, your kind, that love is strange to me.

But if what you say is true….
If your love is real, then don’t leave me.

Love? No hurt, no pain, no tears?
I think I can get used to that.
I know I can.

Can you teach me to see love that way?

I met him when i was quite young, so i’ve know him quite a while
he was always there for me, he always made me smile

i think i got too used to him, even though he was my friend
and then i problaby just got tired, and would not let the friendship mend

so i walked a way when i grew up, i was going to do my thing
and though he called me several times, i just let that call ring

i thought it’d be fun, but it was sorrows, living in my mess
and when i got tired, i would use him, to let him give me rest

But as soon as i was rested, i would quickly walk away
and he would always call and ask me, when would i come to stay

i always told him, one day soon, cause right now i needed time
and away i’d go, out on my own, finding other hills to climb

then one day i got really lost and didnt know what to do
so i called , i begged him to help me, telling him that “i choose you”

he answered me so kindly and said your heart is what i needed
and even as he held me, i begged some more and pleaded

please lord, i need you, to come and take the pain from me
i really do love you, please forgive me, hear my plea

and he looked at me so sweetly, said my child, i do forgive
i just wanted to walk with you, in everyday you live

see, with me your yoke is easy and your burden will be light
i’ve had my angels watching you, every day and every night

i will love you and protect you, for ever and always
and just these thing i ask of you: your worship and your praise

now go and be a witness, tell it everywhere you go
that i died for them and for you, please let everyone else know

that all it takes is surrender, they can place their problems in my hand
and a heart for my son Jesus, so they can see the promise land

I said to him, yes my Lord, I will go and spread your word
so I put on my whole armor, and then picked up my sword

To tell the world about Jesus, and how he died for us
and how to keep up the worlds best motto, for “In GOD, I do trust”

up to now, cause I still live, the story hasn’t ended
i’m glad its the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, that i have befriended.

Loving Him!!

I want to be an excellent wife!

10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
¹²She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
¹³She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
¹⁴She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
¹⁸She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
²⁰She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
²¹She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
²²She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
²⁶She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
²⁹“Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
³⁰Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
³¹Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

i will be able to graduate. my counselor, who is so awesome.. i thank GOD for her. so heres what happened. i started to doubt a little that i would actually graduate next spring. cause i’d been lazy during the summer and not contact the lady in charge of the psych department. so i was on the phone with roni and was gonna write my counselor a lesson asking to set up an appointment. guess what, i found an old email that i had not read and in it she told me that iwas already registered for the psych department, or school of psych and said i will be able to grad this spring, so i have to contact the woman and set up an appointment to go speak with her about what it will take. like i already know that i wont be able to take that offer to do internship cause of my gpa but i might be able to work somethign out with the lady. well see, i’ll try to email or call her tomorrow.

i love my sign langauge class. and my two psych classes seem a bit easy so far. so i have two more technically 3 tomorrow i have hmm, i’m not sure, tomorrow is wednesday so its gonna be music and a psych class and this weekend i will have my online psych class.

Where I was:      All my life I was lonely. I’m the seventh of 8 children, and thought there was people always around, I was always lonely. I had a few tough situations growing up. always fought with my sisters especially. and felt that there was no one i could rely on by me. my father loves us in his own way. and my mother worked her butt off to keep us all safe and together. I never went hungry, or a night on the streets and that is a blessing. I had both parents, and went to school got my pre-college education, and thats a blessing as well. went to church from as far back as i can remember, thank GOD, cause thats a blessing as well. I look back and think, though i been through some bin throughs, he’s always been there for me.

Where I Am:      Well, for one thing, I’m sane. lol.Right now, I’m a senior in college, undergrad. I’m 24 years old, almost 25. I’m a single mother, I have a daughter, Nia. she is beautiful. I live on my own. i have clothes, food, and a place to live. I have a job. I dont own a car as yet, but i do have a bus pass that will get me to and from. i have a church home and family. I have my best friend, its amazing, cause i never really had one. I know that i’m beautiful, but i never thought i was before. I’ve learned confindence and how to be determined. I inspire myself because i know that i have to be inspiring to me, who else should i believe. I have a renewed faith in GOD. It keeps me.

Where I thought I’d be:     I thought i wanted to be a pediatrician. by now, almost 25, i thought i’d be married and finished with undergrad and almost finished with grad. i thought that my primary family would be extremely happy and still loving one another. i thought that i would have a lot of money just do what i want with. I thought that i’d be with my daughter. i thought that i would have a lot of friends, real friends and not just aquaintances. I thought i’d be different.

Where I’m going:      Only GOD really knows the answer to that question. But i will to stay saved, i will be married one of these years (hopefully within two, lol) to the man GOD destined for me. I will complete my education next year. I will have my car. my family will be restored. i will have my daughter. and that nice house, and a great job in a career that i love (helping children). i will learn to play the piano, i will dance, and i will sing (even if its only at karaoke)lol. I will continue to learn everyday. I will travel. and I will have friends, real ones, best friends. I will keep my sanity!!!

i’m not pretty….or cute….or fine. these are man’s labels.

instead I have beauty divine. from the one creator who enables me

i’m pretty? what kind of  pretty? ugly, pretty plain, pretty pitiful?

nah, I’m beautiful

i’m cute? as a what? a button, a puppy, cute as a kitten?

hey, look at me, you gotta be kiddin’

i’m fine? how am i? like sand, like print, like fine wine?

dude, dont waste my time

pretty, cute, fine?

none of the above apply, i live not by the standard of man.

but by the standard of the one who can supply.

No, not a hot mama, or a baby girl, boy your a mess

but my children shall arise call me blessed, because my heavenly father say so.

not thick, or stacked, or built with brick house bricks

but my body is the temple of the living GOD, and while you judge me with earthly eyes

to GOD, i’m the perfect fit, I’m the perfect size

don’t have rapunzels pony tail, or goldilock’s weave

but my hair is my glory, can you even perceive?

don’t need you to hollar, or even to spit game my way

but a blessing would be nice as i go throughout the day

and why real quick,  for a second or a minute?

cant you take the time to know me, put some effort in it?

dude you shouldn’t even bother, so how would you answer this?

do you even know my Father?

and no, i’m not a ride or die chick, nor am i willing to be.

and no i wont tell a lie. or let you lie on me.

and just cause i tell the truth, it doesnt make me a snitch

and don’t even shape your mouth to call me bi***

and what u mean move in, can’t we first get hitched?

so that you won’t leave me alone without a stitch, in a ditch,

what do you mean, we’re gonna be rich?

you expect me to fall for that  lame pitch?

I’m glad that i can follow the master’s plan, created by my GOD

who came as a man, and left his spirit as my comforter.

so you expect some applause? for what cause?

cause you were nice, showed some respect?

cause you do what you should and I expect of you?

i will say thanks but your reward is on reserve, heaven or hell?

God will give what you rightly deserve.

trying to come at me with that sorry line

but my name is Beautiful

and I dont respond to pretty, cute, or fine.

I’m learning to do this. this church thing is difficult, i thought that i had friends at my church, but now i’m learning that as my dad says, “all skin teeth is not laugh.” Just cause they smile in the face and call you sister, dont mean that they mean that in the truest sense of the word. i’m learning that everyone who says they care, dont really care.

this is gonna be difficult for me, cause i like to laugh, joke and smile with everyone, but i’ll learn to greet people in the name of the Lord. and leave it at that, i’ll learn who i can trust, and who i can just hang with, who i can rely on, and who just to say hi to and by to at the church.

so here it goes, the revelation of the holy spirit to learn to leave people alone!!!!